It has come to my attention, once again, that I am horribly insecure. Horribly. Little things can send me right over the edge. I don't trust people when they say that I did a good job or that I look pretty or that I am smart. I surround myself with people who love me, yet I am plagued by this notion that nobody really loves me at all.
I think I am doing the right thing and then I second guess myself. My mistakes are epic. My successes are harder and harder to see. I try to make decisions and wind up spend way too much time in the ambiguity deciding whether or not I should even be making decisions at all. I think that I cannot trust my choices. My experience makes me wary of my judgment.....
I have sunk hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars worth of therapy into this broken vessel. What has it done for me? Well, now I KNOW that I am insecure-- yet, I still don't know what the hell to do about it. Nice. These things really should come with a money back guarantee.
Maybe I am a good writer. Maybe I am a good singer. Maybe I am a good preacher. Maybe I am a good pastor. Maybe I am a good person. Maybe none of this is true. What are the measures of these things, anyway?
Maybe I will simply drive away all of the people who love me with this insecurity-- with the insatiable need for affirmation and reinforcement -- and then it will fulfill itself.... I will be unlovable and alone for real.
Maybe I am just really good at being insecure.